I never seem to blog daily. I find it very difficult lately to force myself into a daily routine. I hope to find a way to make my days to go in this fashion: School, Basketball, Homework, Blog, Music, Sleep. That better be happening by the time summer comes around or I'll be disappointed in myself!

I'm so Superdy-Duper sick! Dang it! It's probably from being around my ma...she was sneezing everywhere a week ago. Not to mention every other human being in the world is sick...jeez...if Kobe is sick, what chance in hell do you have that you won't be sick?

Championship Tournament for this lame Trinity Basketball league starts this weekend. Uh-oh. Dropping some ESPN Top Ten-like numbers, or else...

Is the worst feeling.

It feels like everything you tried for was worthless.
Every effort you threw up, ALL of the 23 points you dropped, all those highlight blocks, all those steals, all those assists. Worthless.

If someone can show me a worse feeling, I dare you to do so.
Otherwise, I'm listening to music and not communicating for the night.

I still refuse to drown myself with drinks. I'm better than that

I will rise back. The Phoenix always rises from it's ashes stronger than it did before. 

My car is fucked.

I lost my basketball.

I have no money.

FUCK.

College Applications suck mad nuts.

Especially when you really are confused at what you want as a career. =\ 
And even worse when you're broke with no scholarships. I might have to slack a year to build up some money.
 
I got in a car accident last week, and ever since, I wake up annoyed and angry everyday. I don't want to do my homework. I don't want to rap with my friends. I don't want to hang out. I just want to dunk and break shit and sleep. What frustrates me more is my mom is urging me to take action upon the car...but what action can I take? I have a broken head light so I can't drive it at night or in the morning to school, cause our prick police officer will give me a ticket. We got an estimate too, $1,991 dollars. OUCH. There goes my pay checks until summer time. Man, accidents are so unfortunate and such a downer!

I really hope good Karma is on the way. Really, I do.

P.S- Holy fuck! -3 Degrees outside?! A WINDCHILL OF -44 DEGREES?! AHHHHHHH FUCK THAT SHIT. Chicago is unmercifully cold when you're having a bad day.

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I Just watched Click for the second time in my life.

The first time was with my dad back in 2006. Two years can make such a difference. A divorce here, a near life-changing move there and a number of epiphanies in a matter of one month changed me beyond the mind's ability to understand. I truly am different. I hurt more. I get mad more. I'm happy. 

I don't think I ever had time to sit back and look at the divorce until I stayed the month in Ireland. All I had was time to reflect about my life and my future and all the details of it. It hurt, it really did, but I just never really actually sat back and said "damn." I did when I was in Ireland, and i did not cry or get mad...It more or less just threw me off. I remember actually siting on my aunt's bed and saying "whoa" to myself, completely unintentionally. It just came out. I realized that that was a life altering decision my parents' made, and for some reason, I continued to believe that it never happened. I also realized that those days that me and my dad shared a house was the last time he would be my dad, because once we stopped living under the same roof, he turned to his job as his new son and I was something like an old friend to him. The realization of this hurt worse than the realization of the divorce, but I survived it. I still love him. I don't think he will ever feel what I felt, because he himself never had a father to become attached to. But I hope he realizes how much it broke me into being something he always wanted me to be...."a man".

I love my mom and my sister. I don't give them enough credit for the things they do. Other people would have given up on me by now, but they never did, and my mom has fought more than anyone I ever met to give me a life of choice and happiness she never got to have at my age. I can't say this to her face because I just feel so cheesy saying it, but I hope she gets my message. My sister has supported me through everything I've done, even all the stupid basketball phases and truthfully always wanted what's best for me. It sucks to be the younger brother because I feel like she's always doing everything for me and I never am able to return the favor. I guess I'll have to return the favor when she's in a worse state than me, if that EVER happens lol.

Basketball. Ugh. I can't even begin to talk about that. This game has personified into a girl friend that was never there, and it literally acted like it. She made me better, took up all of my time, introduced me to amazing people, opened doors for me, showed me a life worth struggling for. We even fought a couple times, thinking it was on the brink of a break up, but nope, I could never leave it. It brings me too much happiness and too many life lessons from just playing for an hour or two. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to become successful at basketball and perhaps make it to the NBA, but it does not matter to me anymore. I love it regardless if it brings me fame and fortune, or just brings me to the gutter. Whatever, I'm all for it.

My friends do not need to be even mentioned. During those years of chaos between my parents' fighting, me changing, all of that, they have been there. I always seemed to compare them to my Indiana friends, but they can't be compared. My friends now are what have kept me from going insane and becoming indulged in weed and cocaine and heroine and every other substance that circles my school. It's funny to think that basketball lead me to nearly every single one of them too. I'd be lying if I said we didn't butt heads every now and than about stupid arguments or dumb things said/done by each other. But I'd much rather have a bunch of friends who have opinions than a bunch of stupid Yes Men. Naming you guys and girls off would do you no good, You already know who you are. I love you and I thank you so much for putting up with my ass.

Finally, I thank god. Not in the corny-old-traditional-rapper way either, because I thank him for helping me realize a lot about life. No one cares about you except for the people who really know you. That's why you can't go by what other people's opinions are about you. You are yourself, you were made that way by your family, your surroundings and your life, and no matter how hard you try to change that, you won't be able to. You are who you are, and if you never accept what you have let yourself become, than you will never be happy. For years, I don't know why but, I tried my hardest to hide my intelligence. I wanted to be ignorant, I wanted to fit in I guess. Not saying I'm some kind of gifted scholar, but I have a lot more wisdom and overall wit than what a lot of people think. I proved it this year, getting all A's and B's, considering, the years before I was all C's and D's. It's not much of a feat, but I am more open about who I really am nowadays. I speak properly. I try to dress more like how I want to, not because I know it will keep people from starting fights with me. I even try to write a short story every month and even throw in a couple of books into my schedule if I'm not stacked with homework and basketball. I try to break every stereotype of the young black male possible because it's sickening to hear how every other race in the world sees african-americans as. It's our fault too, because  even though I'm mixed, I acted completely like every other black kid in America, and it took me until now to get the courage to step out the box and be what I am. And no one else could have given me that strength except for God.

The message being sent: I'm thankful. Thanks for reading this and I wish you all have a good thanksgiving.

P.S. - Click is a really good movie. It's even better when you can relate to it.

Ugh. It's 3 horrible songs that continue to rape Radio stations and TV 

Single Ladies - Beyonce
Womanizer - Britney Spears
ANYTHING BY SOULJA BOI.

Ugh. I sickened myself by mentioning any of these three abominations into my journal

Why cant I ever find a girl who likes the same kind of hip hop as me? This sounds lame, but some girl added me from Indianapolis on Myspace, where I used to live, and she listens to the dopest shit and has the exact kind of style I want to have once I get money. All my friends from Indianapolis dress like I want to and bump the flyest shit! Like REAL hip-hop, no lil wayne, young jeezy, t-pain stuff. I'm not hating on that at all, but it's just like man, after living in Chicago for such a long time, It's hard to find anyone my age who knows rappers like Aesop Rock, Sage Francis or even Q-Tip.

Is it so much to ask that I find a fly girl with the same interests as me? It would be greatly appreciated =) Thanks

Reallllll Quick Like.

1.) Q-Tip's new CD is sooooooooooooo ridiculous. Holy lord. I have had it for maybe an hour and I'm already addicted. I was needing this man! I wanted something to bump in my car for so long. Good stuff  Q, I see you!
2.) I might be working at Untitled! SCORE! I'm not even a hipster like that, but fuck yeah,  I get paid to bump hip-hop and try and sell shit to customers all day. That's what's up
3.) Basketball season is SOON! Like a matter of weeks. I'm ready to dunk on suckas! Yeaaaaaaaaaaaah BOOOOOOOOOOIEEEEEEEEEE! (Flavor Flave like)
4.) I love you hip-hop. I love you so damn much =P 
5.) I WANTED NEW NIKE SBS AND NEW CLOTHES! UGH! I cannot WAIT till I get a job!

I hate this. I hate how I realize these things and they make me feel more like an out cast every time. Look, I'm mixed. NOT black. NOT white. Don't you ever get that shit twisted. I have social consciousness of both races, what they have done and the complete ignorance that both share today. Whites refuse to recognize the racism that they continue to perpetuate to black, asian and hispanic folks daily, and blacks refuse to grow from their pain. YES, slavery hurt and the fact that SOME white people, not all, continue to hate a human being simply because of a couple shades darker of a complexion is ever prominent. But why do you continue to fuel their game? The only ammo left against black people is their own errors that they continue to generate from poverty. Instead of giving themselves a chance and attempting to get out of the ghetto, it's easier for them to give in to hopelessness and just say I'm black, I'l never make it out of here alive. The people thar are killing blacks are not Neo-nazis and skinheads, no, it's themselves.  I understand the hate white people inject into the black mind, but if anything, hasn't mankind learned that the only way to progress in the world is through ambition and peace?

Why is hip-hop not concievable to most people who enjoy lyrical music? I don't understand it! I know MF Doom, Jay Electronica, Q-Tip & Aesop Rock among a few can be a little intellectual and abstract, but if you understand their meaning it's worth it. Is it the unwillingness to be associated with a genre that has produced people such as 50 Cent and Jim Jones? There is so much more to the hip-hop genre, and if you truly analyze the art, you'll understand how deep it is. The abstract lyrics, the differed delivery, the pairing of syllible counts in words. Hip-hop has numerous messages, and just because the media tries to trash the genre by letting niggers (yes. ignorant dumbfucks. not niggas. Niggers) into the game and destroying it, everyone assumes it's all about blunts, gunshots and the size of erica's ass.  That is a complete lie. I've heard hip-hop songs on everything from racism, the economy break down, the mysogny against women, and even living life underwater. There's everything in hip-hop, and if you don't believe me, I'll show you myself and break down the contents of one verse and how its importance is translated. It's modern day poetry over beats. 

Hip-hop even has songs explaining why it's own people continually support artists who destroy the art of hip hop and make it more about getting money than the love the for the music. I understand that most people's dreams are to own large amounts of money to themselves, but it is hard to watch a genre that was based off of dope metaphors, similes and in-depth story telling slowly die into a mindless drone of materialism, abuse to women and illogical violence. There is hope though, as represented mostly by some of the older hip-hop artists such as Mos Def, Talib Kweli & Ghostface Killah, as well as the new breed of so called "hipster rappers" like Lupe Fiasco, Blu, & Jay Electronica. I think if more people understood that hip-hop is not about hoes, pinky rings, dances and mack 10s, they would see it for it's beauty. But that is, if you're up to it. Hip-hop contains thought-provoking rhymes and confusing metaphors that are hard to catch, and if you're willing to actually pay more attention to the lyrics than nodding your head to the beats, maybe you would learn something. Let your mind expand.

Marinate

Ghostbuster! Don't mind my two friends being Reno cops...haha